In which I take up running

I’ve really been reflecting a lot on how over the last few years, from when I got married to when I had Little Lion, I’ve been losing pieces of myself. I had only recently started settling into who I was as a person in my early twenties. I got married at 25 and life kind of just became “us” instead of “me and you.” I let go of a lot of things that I loved, more and more over time. When I had Little Lion, life was just about surviving.

In the fall, around Little Lion’s second birthday, I began to realize that something was missing. Just things that I loved, things that give me joy… where did they go? Painting, biking, going to café’s, listing to live bands at the bars (ok, Settling Houses!), visiting friends, singing, writing… just all of it had evaporated from my life. And I felt that if I could just ride my bike, I would feel like myself again. It was around that time that I became pregnant, and so bike riding was banned, sadly.

I still feel like if I could just get on my bike, I would reconnect those pieces of myself that I left behind with the person that I am today. Honestly, with the pleasant weather, I should really take advantage of it. I need to fix my bike up and do maintenance on it before I can go out though. It’s been over three years since I’ve ridden, so there’s a lot of work to be done, and because of our small space, it’s currently in pieces. Not the most convenient situation to just grab-and-go in a spur of the moment joyride.

Well, okay, what other things did I love that I can more conveniently do? Writing! Hello, that’s why I started this blog. Sometimes I’m quaking in my heart because I feel like no one would even want to read what I have to say, but then I remember that I started this thing because I needed to start creating. I needed some sort of outlet to pour myself into. And it’s been so helpful! But still, things are missing.

I used to be very active. Even as a girl, I tended to be athletic, but I didn’t really focus on that as much as I could have. I lacked discipline, really. In college, I started a run club in the ladies dorm, which morphed into a running and lifting club. It was awesome. We’d wake up before sunrise, my kind friends would wake me up because mornings are not my strength, and then we’d run all over downtown Omaha. Up and down hills, the cold air (because we started in the winter) burning our lungs. Man, I miss those days.

After college, I lived with a few college friends, and we’d still run together. I made new friends, and joined another run club. I loved those early morning runs. They made the inconvenience of waking up too early worthwhile. The birds would sing, the sun would rise in glorious golden hues, the air was fresh and clean, and the camaraderie provided the boost I needed to stick with it.

I also began biking to work, first to a local church, and then to the bank tower downtown. It was terrifying and also thrilling, as our city is not the most bike friendly. Either you brave the streets and hope you don’t get run over, or you brave damaged sidewalks, with cracks, holes, and even parked vehicles blocking your path. But it made me tough, and I liked who I was. I was also the healthiest I had ever been during that period of time.

When Honey Badger and I started to date, we would run and workout together, several times a week. This practice continued after marriage until Little Lion was born, although I had significantly decreased my load.

Since having Little Lion, it’s been extremely hard to get back into anything consistently. I’ve gained a lot of weight, my thyroid has begun malfunctioning, and I just never feel strong or energetic anymore. I miss who I used to be. But I also wouldn’t trade who I am now for who I used to be. I just want some way to bring the two mes together to be the me that I feel I should be. Strong, healthy, fit, creative. Me.

Knowing that I have always preferred morning workouts (I only switched to evenings to workout with Honey Badger), I have decided to reclaim some of my morning time. Honey Badger has agreed to take care of Little Lion when he wakes up at 6:30, and I’ll wake up and go workout. Right now, I want to get back into running. I can do a lot of resistance and some light weightlifting at home, but running requires the stars to align. Or at least, that’s how it has felt.

Of course, the night before I was to begin my new lifestyle of being the me that runs, I could not get my brain to shut off. For hours, I was thinking about running and being outside, and I ended up sleeping only four hours that night. Of course, in the morning, I whined and complained and told Honey Badger I wouldn’t go. He told me if I didn’t go, I never would. Point taken. He took Little Lion back to bed and I put on my shoes and went running.

It was glorious. Sunrise was half an hour away, but the sky was bright and clear. The air was cool, fresh, and lightly breezy. Besides me, there were only two other people out on the lake. The birds were singing, the newly thawed lake was lapping gently against it’s steadily eroding shore. I thoroughly enjoyed myself, even though my lungs were burning at times.

I challenged myself to run up some hills, and allowed myself to rest and walk. I told myself I could do it, too many times to count. I reflect on my college friend Alyx, who had an emergency c-section, and after healing, trained to run a half marathon nine months later. Alyx is very cool, and definitely has more grit and discipline than I do, which I have always admired about her. So she was a big source of inspiration.

But it wasn’t just her that pushed me. It was me. Thinking of the me I used to be, and the me I want to be. The mother I want to be. I want to be strong and energetic, and capable of being present with my son as he grows up. These thoughts fueled me and the surrounding beauty of the lake blessed my efforts, making the challenges of the run, little sleep, burning lungs, worthwhile.

When I got home, I stopped and watched the sun rise in all it’s golden glory. It was a tremendous way to start my day, and I hope to stick to it, even as temperatures have shifted back to being cold. I historically have a thing for getting back into running in the winter. I must enjoy my lungs burning or something.

Regardless, I am really excited to have taken the first step to reclaiming a bit of who I used to be, and I look forward to seeing who I will be in just a few months.

What about you? Is there something that you love to do that you have left behind? I encourage you to go back for it, and bring that part of yourself back to life. Bring the old you and the new you together, and become a more whole version of yourself. You won’t regret it.

Sierra